The not-so-secret secret to a godly marriage
20th Anniversary questions; continued…
· What will you say is the secret to a successful marriage?
Humans, we love formulas; we are always in the mood for mixing two sticks of butter into a pint of flour to get a result. However, our emotions are far too complex for that, and “The secret” is that there are no secrets to a successful marriage beyond what’s in the pages of the Bible, of which the greatest is “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.” Matthew 22:37. Our life’s worth is summed up in our love for God.
It takes loving God to understand how to love yourself fully, and it takes loving yourself to love anyone else. If you don’t see yourself as God sees you, you won’t love yourself as He desires you to, making it challenging to devote a lifetime to loving a stranger. Moreover, there are thousands of good books on the topic, like the little one a friend gave us for our wedding.
I am grateful for the many excellent books on marriage and will encourage you to seek out the ones that will bless your marriage. You can read as many as it takes to get the result you desire. I must, however, say that in the twenty-five years we've been together, we've only read two books on marriage together: the first was by chance, before we got married, and the other was a gift we read the first month after our wedding. We have, however, read the Bible almost every day of our marriage. It’s more enduring when your home is anchored on the Bible, not “Five Things You Must Do to Enjoy a Good Marriage.” It’s about learning and practicing, which will always come back to honoring the pages of the Bible.
We can read all the great books, but until we learn to honor and leverage each other’s walk with God, we’ll keep spinning in circles. Marriage is a mission field, the first base for Kingdom impact. We must get it right there to get it right anywhere else without faking it. Allow your heart to remember that you are living with someone you once loved more than anyone else in the world, and that the animosity you might feel later in life is due to the resentments that have piled up. The good news is that they can be swept off. Clear the debris on your foundation to tap into the joy your heart once felt when he/she walked through the door. God can restore and renew your love when you are willing to ask Him and put in the work to get back to the simplicity of your first love.
The most direct reference to marriage in the Bible is Ephesians 5. The chapter starts with, “Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children,” and to cherry-pick aspects that fuel our selfishness will always cause a fraction. If we miss the main hero of it all, we’ll revert to self-acclamation. We can’t forget that it’s about pleasing God from the beginning to the end; we are simply privileged to participate in the process.
From verses 25 to 33, Paul expounded on the need for men to approach their wives as Christ did the Church, with love, and an intent to sanctify so that they may present them holy and blameless, not to themselves but to God (verse 27). Think of the gravity of “As Christ loves the Church.” It’s a big shoe for anyone to fill, yet it is necessary for the success of any Christian marriage. Just as women should honor the role of their husbands as the head/leader of the home, so too should husbands honor their wives, as co-heirs and priceless daughters of a good Father. Mutual honor in marriage creates a balance that honors God and our professed faith.
The overwhelming, humanly unachievable depth of love that God bestows on us can only be experienced in a marriage that glorifies God, filling our lives with joy while reducing our selfish human gratification. Just because verse 25 says, “Husband love your wife,” does not mean “Wife don’t love your husband,” love him and continue to nurture that love. Also, because verse 22 says, “Wife submit to your husband,” it does not dismiss “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God” in verse 21.
I don’t know a man who wants to live with a wife who doesn’t love him, or a woman who wants to feel reduced from living for God to living for a man. Understanding the charge to present her “holy and without blemish” (verse 27), will caution how fast we are to tarnish and condemn, instead of nurturing. When we condemn, it reflects our failure, not our spouses.
No one can question the depth of Christ’s love for the Church because He gave her all, submitting Himself to the gruesome death on the cross. Many Christians around the world are trading their lives for their faith because they trust Jesus’s love. He didn’t win the Church's admiration and submission by demanding it; He showed it. It’s not an emotionless response to a set of rules to live for God, but one rooted in the knowledge of how far Christ went to display His love to humanity. Therefore, a man who treats his believing wife as Christ treats the Church will show her how to live sacrificially, thereby earning her reverence.
Christians, we must get this marriage thing right; the cross is worth our trying more. The world is watching and waiting to see us live out the example of Christ’s love for His bride and the Church's admiration for Christ through our marriages. We have a lot of growing to do, and it starts with our determination to honor God.
There are great blessings we are missing out on: peace in our homes and hearts, and the Kingdom impart of the two that chases ten thousand. When we understand the mystery behind God’s love, Christ’s death, and the Bible’s comparison of it to marriage, our homes will reflect the beauty of Christ’s sacrifice.
What’s missing in most marriages is not knowledge but the willingness to honor God, honor each other, and fight to push down the walls we meet along the way because of our God-giving differences and unexpected challenges. It takes two to agree (Amos 3:3): two to win the fight (Deuteronomy 32:30).
The question I ask people who are insistent on a particular belief about marriage that does not embrace all the Fruits of the Spirit is, “How is it working out for you?” Pride is a terrible cancer that makes its victims resolve to accept a predicament that can be fixed if they are willing to budge. Again, a godly marriage is not summed up in a single chapter of the Bible; every virtue in the Bible should be applied to marriage. For instance, “Be kind to one another_ (Ephesians 4:32) is not just for people you see once a week at Church; it includes your spouse.
My husband and I keep growing in understanding, even after twenty years under the same roof. While I can say that I know his heart, the intricacies of it are hidden and known only to God because “The heart of the king is in the hands of God.” Proverbs 21:1. I am still learning as I meet a new part of him at different seasons of life, and the same principles of love for God and each other, empathy for our humanity, and devotion to our assignments carry through.
I don’t always wake up on cloud nine in the morning because I’m married. There are a few tired days, but our love for God helps us to keep learning to embrace our differences, define roadblocks as challenges, not problems, hold on to God’s promises for our home, and put in the work to achieve it. We both believe in the wholesomeness of God’s love for us and in that lies the perfection of our love.
“And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him… Herein is our love made perfect.” John 4:16-17a.
While I salute and honor the courage and devotion of many single Christians who are doing great things for the Kingdom and the world, I cannot overemphasize the importance of marriage to God. He started humanity with marriage when He created Adam and Eve. He made the world for humanity, not humanity for the world, and marriage was fundamental to His plan.
The union of a man and woman was God’s original intent. As beautiful as Eden was, humanity mattered more to God than it did. If Eden was more important than humanity, God could have created more men to take care of it, since alpha males have more muscle. However, He made a man and a woman as companions to take care of Eden and each other, because we are His most cherished creation. Genesis 1:27 says, “And God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.”
If you walk with God and are married, the greatest blessing is a spouse who loves God because you get to explore the Eden of your lives together. Treat your life’s purpose with the same devotion God intended for Adam and Eve before the fall; it helps create a picture that keeps the enemy at bay. You are each other’s helpers in dressing and keeping the garden God blessed you with. Genesis 2:15,18 says, “And the Lord God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it… And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.”
The reference that a man cleaves to his wife was first used when God made Eve as Adam’s companion in Genesis 2:24 and then by Jesus in Matthew 19:5. It’s a fundamental principle that must be taken seriously for any marriage to succeed—mute external chatter so you can focus on your assignments. As I read Genesis 3, I can’t help but wonder where Adam was when his wife was chatting with the devil. If they had been together, the enemy wouldn’t have dared to speak to her, because he knows that indeed two are better than one (Ephesians 4:9).
When they cleaved in Genesis 2, the Bible says, “They were naked and not ashamed (Verse 25). However, when they abandoned companionship in chapter 3, the Bible says in verse 7, “They knew nakedness (shame).” Fighting together makes us courageous, protected, and stronger. We are created for companionship, and leaving one vulnerable can have devastating consequences for the next generation and how we represent God.
Our assignments flourish in a godly home, and the world looks so much brighter when we walk in honor of God’s purpose for our lives. When we honor the principles of companionship and helpmeet in our marriages as intended by God in the beginning, the sweetness of a mere apple will not entice us to taint the beauty of Eden.
Imagine the awesome things you can accomplish for God when your rhythms are synced, and you always fight together against the enemy, not leaving one to wander off to have a conversation with the enemy. We’ve seen his trick before and should be wiser in navigating within the confines of the freedom we enjoy as heirs to a glorious kingdom. Don’t fall for the shiny, rosy, and sweet apple that will leave a bitter taste on your throat for life. Don’t allow your selfish desires to trump God’s will. Love each other as Christ loves His Church and gave Himself for her (Ephesians 5:25-33).
It doesn’t matter if you’ve taken so many wrong turns already in your journey together. My God is great at redeeming lost times and helping to redefine mistakes. If you need healing, it’s not a lost cause if you are both willing to honor God and start building from where you are. Our Father understands your hurt and, yes, still has the balm in Gilead to heal your wounded heart.
Cleave and see. Give your companionship time to heal, patience, intentionality, and everything it needs to succeed, because its success will be a catalyst for life’s fulfilment and satisfaction. Don’t ever forget or let go of your love for each other; clean it up together. God gave you that love; don’t just thrust it into the trenches; remember and hold on to the tenderness and simplicity you started with, and nurture it.
Among the things to note is the importance of defining your goals. Amos 3:3 says, “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” It’s impossible to agree if we are headed in different directions, and most marriages are struggling because both people in them see the goal for their lives differently. It does not mean we embark on the same career path or pursue the same calling. No, it means that both our careers, life goals, and life purpose are not mutually exclusive; instead, they are complementary. It’s satisfying to see the other person blossom in their calling, career, and life’s purpose.
My husband is an engineer, and I am in the communications field; the two careers couldn’t be more different: he speaks equations, and I speak words. Even our spiritual gifts are different. He is an intercessor and a teacher, and I am an encourager. However, it's been humbling to see the story God can write from our apparent differences, not just in terms of career but calling and passion. The unbreakable cord is that both our lives’ goals are anchored in pleasing God, whatever that looks like, helping us walk the winding road without discontent.
I love familiarity, and it was not part of my life’s goal to move from my country, but it was my husband’s. Because of the foundation, it wasn't difficult for me to hop on board, since I knew it was necessary for his calling, and although it might delay some of my life hopes for a while, it wasn’t dismissing them. We did everything together, honoring his leadership to make sure we got to where he believed God would strategically place us for Kingdom impact. If I focus solely on myself, there would be unnecessary conflict and dissatisfaction.
You must have the same life wins. Your defined win must be more than the size of your earthly bank account or even the number of children; else, you’ll keep wanting more, fueled by discontent. Complete satisfaction for each season of life is possible in God’s love. If asked what would give you the greatest joy in life, it might not be worded the same, but it should have the same core, rooted in your Heavenly Father.
My husband is not the one writing these words right now, but when he answers these same questions, our hearts will beat almost in sync. While I’d rather not hear about batteries and triboluminescence, and will instead write than teach, we get our joy and purpose from the same source and love one God.
