Realism of a godly marriage: believe it to live it

20th Anniversary questions continued…

How do you manage your differences?

All my children are in an orchestra, each playing a different instrument. I view marriage as I do my experience watching them start when they were younger and get better with each practice and concert. The first practice is like a torture chamber for the entire family, thanks to the scratches and off-key plucks. However, the last concert before the final bow in High school is a masterpiece because of the years of rehearsals and performances.

The problem with most marriages is that we come into them believing we must start at the opera house rather than taking time to learn each other’s rhythm and invest in growing together. So, we give up after the frustration of a few challenging rehearsals, just because we don’t sound the best together. We must, however, understand that each rehearsal on our life’s stage, at each season, grows us and makes us better than the last.

To define success, we must first understand what does not define it. One thing my husband and I have both understood from the beginning is that we can’t satisfy each other outside God. God understands both of us better than we could understand each other. Therefore, our contentment throughout all seasons of our lives together has been measured by our commitment to honoring God with every morning uproar and each night of silence.

Instead of clamoring for a ‘you-version’ of your spouse, we must come to terms with the fact that we will always be different, and we’ll always have new things to learn about him/her, and yes, we won’t like all of them. The goal should not be to change the other because we see things differently; it should be to learn to pluck the strings together to create harmony as we honor God. Choose your battles: don't fight negligible things you can’t change when you should focus on things you can each grow in.

It always comes down to the foundation, which must be revisited throughout your life together, making it the most crucial factor in sustaining love. We can never go wrong pleasing God, and He has a way of making those things we believe are beyond reconciliation reconcilable when we make Him the anchor for our homes. Our differences can become fundamental to our life’s wealth, so don’t dismiss them too early.

Keep your life simple because there are too many ambiguities in most marriages, as we let life redirect our passion, picking up on things that make other people happy while letting go of our own. We must go back to the basics — simple things we used to enjoy together — and build on them. Unravel the complexities caused by years of each focusing on their instrument of choice instead of learning to play together. You might even discover that the things you complain about the most are the perfect notes to even out the discomfort of the things he complains about.

As I mentioned in an earlier question, if you ask for advice on the best book on marriage, my answer is The Bible. It teaches us to love and treat people as God’s image, and we often forget that our spouse is on that list. When we apply the principles of godliness to our marriages, our homes will be the envy of the world.

Many excellent books focus on different aspects of marriage, but the Bible is holistic and serves as the authority for how we should live, and its marriage application is not limited to Ephesians 5; it begins in Genesis 1, when God created Heaven and Earth for goodness. My husband will always say, “How I treat you reflects my walk with my Lord, and that is the first view into my heart.” How can you possibly get it wrong when that’s the height you set for your home?

What are some of the best practices to keep your relationship fresh?

God’s Word, God’s way

If you ask my husband the same question, he’ll have a few different ideas, but one we’ll both always start with is, Keep God front and center in every conversation, disagreement, and agreement. He always balances things out for you, restoring your love for each other, your differences notwithstanding. I believe that learning your unique rhythms and nurturing them are critical to enjoying a lifelong friendship. The consistency of the little things is worth more than a compressed antidote. A once-in-a-year two-day vacation cannot make up for the daily lack of friendship; you must be intentional.

Let the word ‘love’ be a constant in your home, and don’t just say or write it, live it. Practice kindness to your spouse even when you don’t feel like it; over time, it’ll become instinctive. Even when you are hurting, you won’t want him to hurt. It’s a life together, so don’t build separate, independent lives, because to stay together, you must build together.

Apply the wisdom from the Scriptures to all topics to maintain a united front. It helps to raise your children, build healthy relationships, and address issues outside the confines of your home. Applying biblical truth helps us broaden our understanding of the need to practice the virtues we learn from the pages with our spouse, not limiting them to ‘helping the poor or loving our neighbor.’ I will say, start by daily applying every “Fruit of the Spirit:” love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Galatians 5:22-23.

Pray together

A family that prays together indeed stays together. Fundamentally, your ability to go to God as one will serve as the cord that binds you together as you navigate different seasons of life. Our strength comes from His presence, and approaching our Father together makes us more sensitive to Him and more God-conscious, even in disagreement. As mentioned, my husband is an intercessor and spends a lot of time praying alone, just as I have my personal prayer times. However, no day goes by without him holding my hand to pray, even if it’s for a few minutes.

Virtues begin at home

Many people are their best selves outside their homes, enjoying the praise of others but not that of their spouse, children, or God. You can feed a million people in the remotest part of the world, which is good, but how you treat your wife/husband matters more to God. Honor God’s masterpiece and His creativity in making the unique human you get to enjoy life with. 1 Timothy 5:8 says, “But if any provide not for his own, and especially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith and is worse than an infidel.”

Guard your priciest assets by installing spiritual and life guardrails to protect your marriage, because they help lead you back when you stray. It's never too late to establish guiding principles for your marriage. Not the one-sided ones that choke or imprison, but rather the ones that give you both the liberty to grow as you help each other navigate the uniqueness of your relationship, the complexities of your humanity, and the challenges of making sense of balancing life’s demands.

It’s two with God

Be careful about who you allow to speak over you and into your home. Don’t rush to your neighbor to report your spouse just to vent, unless they can help resolve your disagreement; instead, talk to God about it and learn to work through issues with your spouse. Talking to people who aren’t committed to maintaining peace in your home can create a long list of enemies of that peace, because when you reconcile with your spouse, they won’t be there. Over time, this can cause them to hold resentment toward your spouse and develop a judgmental attitude.

My husband and I made a promise before we got married to report our hurts only to God and to each other. It’s worked for us because we understood early that marriage was integral to God’s call on us. We both love God equally and are devoted to pleasing Him with the same level of commitment, so the stumble of one is the stumble of us and the triumph of one is the triumph of us.

Our life’s purpose has always been, as my husband defined it twenty-five years ago, “A life together to please God.” I trust God and him to take care of me more than anyone else. To rest in trust, your walk with God must first be resolute, because it’s only on that foundation that you build absolute trust. You must learn to trust God and each other. Also, focus on and embrace the benefits of the rigors of the process because it’s not a switch; it’ll take time.

You are doing yourself so much good when you are willing to stay strong together, honoring your secret codes and cues as you learn your peculiar rhythms. Make lofty, God-level determination to honor God by treating each other well and working out your differences with godly defiance. Touch the ceiling with your goals because when your goal is the highest, even if you don’t make it there, you’ll be close. At the beginning, it didn't seem easy for us, but after a few years of marriage, we became each other’s therapists, and yes, we still stay up to talk sometimes. It must be a two-way trust; else one will bear a heavy burden that hurts and drains the peace in the home. I can freely cry or laugh with my husband without shame because he is my earthly protector.

While we have been blessed to find a rhythm with God to quickly sweep away any trace of animosity before it grows, over the years, we have learned to keep learning from others by asking questions of those who have gone ahead of us and by surrounding ourselves with like-minded believers in a godly home. What you hear becomes what you believe, so mind the company you keep.

I’ve had to navigate different seasons that come with various emotions: pregnancy and raising toddlers, long nights, and sunny days. We are also no longer in our thirties, nor as adventurous with life as we used to be. Without a structure built on a godly foundation, it will be exhausting to navigate the ups and downs of our human chemistry and dynamics. It takes genuine love for God for two people to stay in love for a lifetime, and for a husband to love his bride and to be as kind to her as he was before he put the ring on it.

I understand that many marriages need counsel, so seek godly ones. However, before you start building on outside counsel, lay a solid foundation, establish God’s role in your relationship, and then outline some guiding principles. Otherwise, you will end up needing counsel for every issue, instead of learning to turn the wheel yourselves. A lifetime is a long road, so learn to learn. As mentioned earlier, my husband and I both had strong convictions about a godly home, even before we married, and that mutual desire helps us stay on track.

Agree on major things first

Take time to agree on what you want your home to be like, rooted in God’s love, Kingdom mission, and your love for each other. “Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.” Matthew 18:19. For us, the Christian view and missional life foundation, before we said “Yes, I do,” have been critical to our journey. We always circle back to the core of why God brought us together, because it takes continued intentionality and commitment to establish the foundational principles as our life’s norm.

Spend time together

Your personal time should not stop you from spending time together doing simple things: pray together, make scriptures part of your everyday conversations, lie in bed and talk, watch a movie, cook, laugh together. Bottom line, create your happiest times together, so that when you disagree, you will miss each other. The value is in your time together, not the expense of making time together.

No matter how cloudy it looks around you, remember your love and dust off the debris that years of resentment have allowed to mount on your beautiful beginnings. Forgive the past and be determined to push it off your foundation with God. Burn it so that you can enjoy the beautiful life with your God-ordained spouse. Ask God to help you restore your love and be intentional in stewarding the ship where God leads.

Whatever you do, don’t stop talking because communication is the key to keeping your friendship alive. Early in our marriage, my husband spent six months in the US before I joined him, and while we didn’t have as many ways to stay in touch as we do today, we made the most of what we had. He made sure to call multiple times a day, which kept our friendship alive. However, when I arrived in the US, he was so busy with his doctoral studies that our communication nosedived due to his long hours in the lab. When we realized the loopholes this created, we addressed them and knew we must do better to see the picture of the home we wanted. Getting back to where we are today is taking continued intentionality and determination. We talk, by talking, using our voices.

It's easy to take proximity for granted and revert to emojis, texts, and gestures, but nothing should replace using our voices and written words to communicate. Speak, write, laugh, even cry if you want, because there’s something about hearing the other person’s voice that makes them more endearing to our hearts. My favorite voice in the world is my husband’s, and I can sleep with it, eat with it, and dream with it. You’d think praying in the room would be uncomfortable for your spouse, but I love my husband’s voice, and over the years, it’s become my best lullaby to hear him praying in the background.

It’s a privilege to share the journey with him/her

How we view things affects how we approach them, so above all, we must remember that our primary purpose in life is to please God. Having a friend to walk with is the most incredible privilege, and when we look at marriage from that angle, it’ll be easier to appreciate each other. My husband is my first assignment, and yes, before my children, because we build everything else together with God’s help: raising our children, ministry, friends, career, and life.

Leverage your walk with God for maximum Kingdom impact by calling out the grace of God on each of your lives and encouraging full participation in the Kingdom business. My husband speaks over me daily, saying, “From your home, you will be impacting the world for Christ,” and guess what, I am doing just that. I trust him more than any clergyman because he is consistently invested in my spiritual, mental, and physical growth. He believed in how God is using me now, even when I got weary. He is my number one cheerleader, as I am his.

Understanding that we are co-laborers in the vineyard of faith and each other’s keepers is crucial. Make it your mission to nurture the other so that you can present him/her to God at the end of the journey. Be kind to and encourage each other; it’s already challenging to be human, and living under another human’s scrutiny will overwhelm our efforts to please God. If your wife or husband is willing to make Jesus the hero of your journey, put off your resistance and put on the whole armor of God together to fight the good fight for a marriage that glorifies God.

Set priorities
Set your priorities right because the success of your marriage matters to God more than the ‘wealth’ in your storehouse or your earthly accolades and PhDs. Stay young, hold hands, laugh, and play because you are the children of a great Father who wants you to be happy. Honor the sacredness of “The two becoming one flesh” (Mark 10:7) and shut out the excesses to mute the noise from sources outside of your marriage.

Leaving and cleaving does not mean the absence of people; it means I am unapologetically anti-drama and will close the door to any interference, no matter where it’s coming from, as soon as it knocks. Your marriage is important to God, and to succeed and fulfil God’s purpose for your life, you have to prioritize and fight for it.

It might not look like the picture you desire right now, but don’t give up because with God and your resoluteness, it can get better. Remember: define your goals and keep dribbling in that direction. You might fall on the way or kick off the field, keep your eyes on the goal, and every kick in the right direction will get you closer to the goal.

Pour yourselves into loving God! Encourage it, honor it. It’s the only antidote to never getting tired of loving everything about your spouse, even the new things you will discover as you grow older together. I’ve loved the same godly man for a long time, and he knows that it’s because of the ‘godly’ before the man that makes it possible, just as he has loved me for as long because of my love for God. At the beginning, I thought I would never sleep soundly again because I was doomed to share the same room with his light snores. However, over time, hearing him sleep soundly became restful for me.

When you love and walk with God, you radiate His glory, and the people around you can’t help but see it, starting with your spouse. As you grow stronger spiritually, you become more radiant, reflecting the beauty of God’s majesty physically. Don’t get me wrong, be intentional with your physical expressions, but build from the spiritual, not the physical. If you know me, you know I love looking good. Don’t resolve to dreary dressing just because you love God. Dress up and look good for your spouse! I am a child of the Most High, and He loves us looking well and refreshed, so how I dress speaks to that.

For us, success is not measured by degrees or material gains. That is why, through these answers, you can’t find the cars, the fame, or the material gains. To us, success is measured by how well we have honored God in representing Him in our marriage, how we’ve treated each other, and how we've approached God’s purpose for our lives.

Some of our guiding questions are, have we practiced the virtues we learn in our walk with God with each other before we shine a spotlight on the world? Have we fought to protect the sacredness of the beauty of the love God blessed us with? Have we poured out every grace God gave us to make the world see Jesus through us?

Conclusion

I will personally define marriage as “The union of two, for one.” It means marriage is the union of a man and a woman for the glory of God. Honoring God as the sole reason for your marriage comes with a bounty of blessings that satisfy your earthly longings and desires. You enjoy the companionship and help of a son/daughter of the Almighty God and walk through life with the depth of love compared to Christ’s love for the Church. It’s an adventure of a lifetime, shining the light on Christ as you journey along.

I have approached each day of my marriage as, “I live with the son of the King of kings.” This is because one of the most fundamental wisdom nuggets I learned from the marriage conferences before I married was “Speak to the king in him, and he’ll behave like a king.” And for a man, “Speak to her like a queen, and you’ll enjoy the beauty of a queen, and speak to her like a slave and you’ll suffer the revolt of a slave.” You are both honorably created for honor; honor each other.

We have to be kind to one another. Being human comes with many emotions, and practicing the “Fruits of the Spirit” in our marriages makes the journey lighter for both of us. If I could, I would always say the right things, do the right things, and live like an angel every second. While that is my goal, I am still clay in the Potter’s hands and will continue to need Jesus to mold me until I cross to the other side of Heaven. If that’s the case, why should I expect a perfect Heavenly model of a man who walks with God, when he’s still on earth? Willingness is key and should be enough to encourage us to keep moving in the right direction.

My husband is my greatest cheerleader. He calls out God’s purpose for my life daily, praying for and encouraging me. I call out the wonder of who he is, too, not just as a leader but most importantly, his devotion to walking with God. His love for God is such that he doesn’t even want to miss a beat. He wants to get it right all the time; talk, walk, act, and live right. So, if he misses it at all by not speaking with enough kindness or something like that, he’ll be ready to sleep at the throne of grace for a month.

As I grow in extending empathy to my humanity, it’s easy for me to empathize with his humanity, reminding him of the blessing of walking this side of Heaven with him. It’s easy for me to remember that he is one of a billion men, even as I walk through the discomfort of my emotions. A godly man is righteous by virtue of his walk with God, not his sometimes not-so-perfect response to his human emotions.

We should define ourselves not by our humanity but by the power that works within us. Ephesians 3:20 states, “Now unto Him that can do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us.” I don’t care what the world says or the statistics of the millions of marriages that fail. I believe that if two people are committed to honoring God through marriage, with all the ups and downs, tears, and laughter that come with it, it is the greatest blessing for humanity. I believe that a godly marriage is a beautiful reality that requires intentionality and nurturing in godliness to experience God’s glory on earth.

As long as pride is not in play, God sees us righteous because of Christ, our stumbles notwithstanding. Proverbs 24:16 says, “For a righteous man may fall seven times and rise again.” You are righteous when you don’t stay down, rocking on a sin chair. Get up, and move past your mistakes because your defiance to honor God in your marriage and life puts you in the league of “The righteous.”

Future expectations

I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but my expectations are rooted in God’s promises and His continued grace for us. He has been faithful for the last twenty years of our marriage, and sharing from our journey is obedience to testify to our Father’s love and commitment. We know that this is not the end of the story; tomorrow is a new day, and we are on a journey of learning and growing together.

We will not always agree, and there will be walls to push down together ahead of us. Still, one thing we are committed to and will always agree on is “A godly home is not a myth. Two strangers can enjoy a life together, walking with God to do remarkable things for the Kingdom. God’s way works, and if we both continue to honor Him, He is committed to upholding us with His righteous hands.”  

If you’ve crossed our path at any point in the last twenty-plus years, you’ll know that my husband rocks my world. He is the man I trusted my young heart with a few decades back because I knew he wouldn’t keep it for himself but hand it back to Jesus. I love loving him, and I am grateful for the adventures, rooted in our love for Jesus. Although far below the line, he comes after my Savior, and I will say yes to a life with him a million times over.