Submission in an uncompromising marriage
Martha Olawale
20th Anniversary questions; continued…
Who will you say compromises more in your relationship?
Although many marriage teachings hinge on compromise, I will take a different approach. I don’t necessarily believe in it beyond being a minor player in the overall picture. I am a lifelong student of the Bible, so even if every Christian I know adopts an idea, I still think it through and align it with what I understand from the pages of scripture and my experience with God.
It’s important to note, however, that I acknowledge the imbalance of godliness in many marriages, and my belief stems from the fact that I am married to a man whose desire to honor God matches mine, which makes it easier to navigate God’s will. Compromise, by definition, means losing something —giving up for settlement. It’s susceptible to bitterness because you might revert to what you gave up later in life and blame your spouse.
Instead of compromise, looking at it holistically means the things I have to let go of are for the betterment of our lives together, as pieces that do not fit into God’s intent for our lives at the moment. I don’t like the word compromise for good reasons. Think about it, when we hear the word 'compromise' in other situations, it often comes with disappointment. For example, hearing a man compromised his faith means he faltered, yet we embrace it as a bedrock for the most critical human institution established by God.
Compromise is permissible when it’s about little things, like “What’s for dinner or movie to watch?” However, don’t make it a champion when it comes to big decisions. So, to avoid blurring the line, it’s better to adopt a more sacrificial stance as the standard for your relationship. A position of, “I might not always be able to give all, but I am willing to give all.”
I favor ‘submission’ over compromise because submission is entirely beneficial, while compromise has an element of opposition and loss because it is self-focused. It’s a manmade term to excuse our need for control; I keep some, you take some. While you can’t find anywhere in the Bible that marriage should be compromising, the Bible says to submit to one another (Ephesians 5:25).
Submission in marriage is not about ‘me,’ but ‘you-focused.’ Submission means willingness to lay down. It’s more freeing and empowering than we make it out to be. It’s your choice! For instance, a college student is in school for positive reasons, as part of an agreement with the university to get a degree. He/she submits tests/exams without cajoling or contention because of the reward that comes later. He doesn’t go to the professors to reach compromises; he submits to the agreed terms to earn the certificate.
I understand that the word scares a lot of women because it's often abused, but we have to dare to do it the Jesus way. I agree that some men forget the ‘one another’ in Ephesians 5 and blindly shun all other calls to virtue as sons of a great Father, and some women are too calculative in their marriage, too. They embrace only a one-dimensional view, which affects their love for each other. We should, however, be empathetic to our humanity and treat our spouse as a magnificent creation of the Almighty God, whom you have the privilege to nurture for the Father. Every being is made for the sole purpose of honoring God, and it’s only on that premise that we can enjoy our lives together.
Our life assignments as believers have many branches outside the confines of marriage. We are Kingdom warriors, and we should take care of each other so we can fight the good fight of faith together. We are created for more than gratifying just one human; marriage is a blessing, a resting place to be nourished for our assignments. The Kingdom needs all (men and women) to work in the field because the laborers are few (Matthew 9:35-38), and we should help our spouses discover and flourish in their assignments.
I am unashamedly in submission to honoring God as the principal of my marriage academy by allowing my husband to lead our home. At the same time, I continue to play my role as an equal partner in the relationship, encouraging each other to be all that God has called us to be. David is my partner, friend, brother, and love, and navigating all that demands wisdom and intentionality. Does that mean I always respond with a nod and amen? Absolutely not! It means that the end goal of all questions, disagreements, challenges, and triumphs is to honor God as we continue to learn to live by God’s Word.
Our allegiance is to gratify God, not self. By honoring the rules of engagement, that we are equally created for different roles, we enjoy the fullness of the blessings that come with a godly home, rooted in peace. Our reward inadvertently becomes complete satisfaction in our life together.
Compromise has underlying negative assumptions, while submission is sacrificial and intentional. The Bible compares the Church to the Bride of Christ (Ephesians 5:23). Jesus did not compromise for the Church; He gave it all by laying down His life for His bride and died a gruesome death for her. To follow Christ’s example, while I might not always reach the end, my intent must always be to give 100 percent to my marriage and walk all the way to where my husband is coming from, rather than trying to compromise by drawing an imaginary mental middle line.
Over the course of twenty years of marriage, of course, my husband and I have both compromised many times, and we will continue to, because we are still humans who are learning to die to self daily. However, we know that compromise is not God’s perfect will, and that our desires remain aligned with His will. Submission is the goal, and our life together is built on the absolution of love because mutual love in marriage conquers all (1 Corinthians 13:7). We devote our lives to growing in God’s love first and then nurture our love for each other next, before our children, family, friends, and all mission demands. I know that when we get it right with God, we’ll always get it right with each other.
Ephesians 5:25 says, “Submitting one to another in the fear of God.” Submission is not a compromise; it’s letting go and laying down because holding on has consequences, rooted in bitterness and discontent; hence, the many unhappy marriages in the world. I tell couples that until they get to a place where they are both willing to give each other 100%, there’ll always be mental tugs that will weigh on the relationship.
I love my husband and enjoy taking care of and looking out for his well-being, and he does the same for me. It doesn’t mean you lose yourself in the process; it means your heart grows bigger as you live beyond yourselves, flourishing in the fullness of your identities. It’s a beautiful exchange that is not a self-focused approach to life but one devoted to seeing one another thrive in God’s purpose for our lives. One of my utmost desires is to stand before God at the end of my journey and say, “Father, behold your son, David, whom I’ve loved with all my heart.”
We should strive to embody all virtues from scripture in our marriage, rather than focusing solely on sections specifically about marriage. Jesus taught that giving is more rewarding than receiving, emphasizing the importance of generosity over selective sharing (Acts 20:35). Think about the beauty of the willingness to walk all the way to where my husband is coming from, and his desire to walk all the way to where I’m coming from. It helps to drown out the tension because it lays down the ‘me’ for ‘us.’
In a compromise stance, what you are not willing to give up on might make you happy for a moment, but in the long run, it might undermine trust in your relationship and the stability of your home, tainting that happiness. For instance, salt makes food tasty, but when you are cooking, you can only put so much before it becomes a problem. Marriage is like a big pot of delicious rice (my favorite), and the goal for both people in it is to keep it from being too salty, soggy, or burnt. We must be willing to give whatever it takes in God’s honor to achieve the goal of a godly home. Trust me, it comes with a level of joy, rest, and satisfaction that nothing else in the world can give you.
Are there any things you would change over the last 20 years?
Most definitely. If given the chance, I’ll probably change maybe a million things. But I don’t know what those things are, and if I can’t change them because it’s impossible to go back in time, why invest my emotions in them and risk creating a wedge for bitterness to fester in my heart? It’s healthier and more profitable to channel our energy into blessings, so I always focus on the things I am grateful for and wouldn’t change if given the chance. It helps me be thankful.
The beginning was challenging because, like everyone else, despite our love for each other, we were strangers, living together for the first time. I loved some things a certain way, and he loved doing certain things in specific ways that seemed different to me. However, our love for God and each other, and the foundation my husband laid before we got married, became the arena where we untangle the twine because it always helped us remember. While we might not agree on everything, the one thing we always agree on is honoring God, and that is enough to make us agreeable even in disagreement.
I might not know the million things I would change, but if given a million chances, the things I won’t change are my husband, my children, and the journey that led me to all the amazing people God has placed on our path these last twenty years of marriage. We’ve spent more than ninety percent of our marriage away from our immediate family, and we have enjoyed some of the most remarkable friendships. For these and more, I am grateful.
If all I got out of signing the marriage deal twenty years ago with a stranger is a man like my husband, I am eternally grateful to God. Through the years, with the differences, learning, growing, and even some tears, I’ve come to know what true human love means, and he has become the most remarkable miracle in my life. He loves his God! I’m a witness to what that looks like for twenty-five years, and that’s too long for anyone to fake it. His strength is in God, and he lives to please Him. All the other pluses are bonuses: his kind heart, brilliant mind, and cute nose. I genuinely believe that if every man has the same commitment to God as he does, he will lead his believing wife with love, courage, tenderness, wisdom, patience, and faithfulness.
