20 Years of Marriage: Lessons Learned
Dr. D. Olawale
As I reflect on 20 years of marriage, here are some lessons I have learned along the way. Everything we go through, our triumphs and shortcomings, can become mighty tools in the hand of God to help and bless others when shared in love and truth by the Holy Spirit.
God first: Individual and joint commitment to please God and to live by His Word. The Bible says that the heart of man is desperately wicked, who can know it (Jeremiah 17:9). That is the truth. Every man and woman without Christ is selfish. Until one first makes a personal commitment to make Jesus the Lord of all in one’s heart and life by devoting oneself to obeying His word and pleasing Him, one cannot be who God wants one to be, nor become the best spouse. It always starts personally. That is why Ephesians 5:21 begins with, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” What is your personal commitment to the Lord? All these years, my wife has kept loving me not because I have been good all the time but because of her own personal commitment to the Lord and because she knows that I am committed to pleasing God and representing Jesus well to her.
After the individual commitment comes the joint commitment to the Lord. Our mission statement for our home is: “A life together making God ever so glad and pleased, walking in love and truth.” When you strive together to please God, it takes the focus off self.
Love each other: Husband, love your wife as Christ loves the Church that He gave Himself for her… (Ephesians 5:25). Personally, I might think this is an unfair command from God, but I know that He is a just God. I tell the men I serve that with this command from God, no man can ever win a case before God against his wife, except if it is for adultery. God’s command may be unfair, but He is the only wise God and His commands are not grievous (1 John 5:3). They are for our benefit. So, what does it mean to love one’s wife as Christ loves the Church? Great question, I have been studying it for years! Recently, this definition came to my heart: “Out of deep affection, to always seek the good, well-being, benefits, and growth of the other, even when they don’t deserve it, and at great personal cost, even to the point of dying for their well-being.”
You put their care and well-being above yours as Christ did for you and me. His mission was to save and reconcile us to God, making us co-heirs with Him. It’s a lifelong pursuit, but when we gain an understanding of this command, our mindset shifts from being served to serving our spouse, as Jesus serves us!
Maintain the divine order. In our journey, my wife and I discovered that God has a sacred order. You don’t need to be smart or have a PhD; follow His order, and you will be fine. God’s order is Him first and above all, at all times. The next is the two of you and your immediate family, followed by others, and life demands. Many marriages have usurped the order, and that is why things are not working well.
I remember there was a time when I wanted to relocate our business facility to a location almost one and a half hours away from our home. My wife reminded me that the order is the family above business. The business must align with the family, not the other way around. So we located the company closer to our home. Thank God we did. There is a divine order we must maintain to enjoy God’s rest. God established the marriage order in Genesis 2:24 with the first marriage. This order was so important that our Lord Jesus repeated it in Matthew 19:5, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” - Genesis 2:24, NKJV
Many homes have been destroyed because couples failed to follow this essential command from the Lord. In-laws from both sides interfere in their affairs. They do not honor the command to stay united. When you break God’s order, there are consequences. Solomon, the wisest man of his time, when he became too proud to follow God’s order, ultimately fell.
Also, part of God's order is that the man is the head of the home. What does being the head mean? Learning from our Lord Jesus Christ means you are the chief servant! Jesus, the head of all of God’s creation, stated that I am among you as one who serves (Luke 22:24-27). He served us all until He gave His life for us all. After I got this understanding, you can see me serving and working at home for the benefit of my wife, children, and anyone who comes into our home.
With this God-ordained leadership comes spiritual authority for the man. Many men, because their wives have spiritual gifts, anointings, and callings, and because their wives understand the Bible better than they do, vacate the spiritual leadership of their home. This is not right because God chose the man to be the head. I am not the head of our home because I am smarter than my wife; she is an anointed minister of the Gospel, and her Bible is even bigger than mine! Nevertheless, every day after praying, I come to our bed and touch her and pray over her. If there is any need to anoint and pray over our home, she may receive the signal, but she will always ask me to do it. I teach men about the spiritual authority God has given them over their home.” God’s order works! It is wisdom to follow His order.
Be quick to repent and quick to forgive. When couples have a great, harmonious home, it is not because each of them never misses a beat or makes no mistakes. It is because they are both individually and jointly so committed to the Lord that they are quick to repent whenever they realize they are wrong, and their spouse is also quick to forgive them. Do you know how freeing it is for a couple when they know that whenever their spouse realizes they are wrong, they will repent because of their love for God and for them? Similarly, it is so freeing when you know that your spouse will heartily forgive you.
Over the past 20 years, my wife has been gracious and forgiving when I miss it, just as I am quick to forgive her. Forgiving is a command from the Lord. When you don’t forgive, it has grave consequences here on earth and in eternity. Also, not being quick to repent is a sign of pride and a lack of commitment to the Lord. God resists and hates the proud (James 4:6). “There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.” Proverbs 6:16-19
Who do you surround yourself with? Who speaks the truth to you? Who are your mentors and examples? Before we got married, we heard our mentor, Dr. David Oyedepo, stating that the standard for him and Pastor Faith Oyedepo is not to argue or quarrel. Hearing that created a picture and a vision of possibility for us. It’s a high goal, and we set that as the standard for our home. Even after twenty years of marriage, despite our disagreements, we keep believing and striving towards that goal.
What you see matters because it shapes the picture you create. I saw my father loving my mom all his life, and my wife saw her father loving her mom until her death. Not that they did not have imperfections or experience things we learned to avoid in our home; in their own way, they taught us how to love each other. Even after her mother’s death, you cannot talk to my wife’s dad without him shedding tears for his wife, years after her passing.
If you did not have good examples from your parents, seek others around you who can serve as your role models—surround yourself with people who can speak truth to you and call you to order. I’ve seen it work in men who walk with God, so I surround myself with like-minded men. I love the men I call friends because they are devoted to pleasing God by loving their wives. We don’t point accusing fingers at our wives; we wear our leadership hats to encourage and challenge one another to become more like Christ. It might not be easy, but our goal is to keep growing in Christ. Every man, woman, and couple needs people like that in their lives. You will become like the people you listen to and spend time with.
“He who walks with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will be destroyed.” - Proverbs 13:20, NKJV.
Recognize, value, and develop each other’s gifts and calling. We need to understand that our spouse is God’s peculiar and special treasure with a unique and divine calling over his or her life, ordained by God for His glory (1 Peter 2:9). One of our greatest assignments, privileges and responsibilities in life is to ensure that God’s giftings and assignments for our spouse are identified, developed and optimized to accomplish God’s plans and purposes on the earth. The Lord gave me this revelation through the life of Joseph, the husband of Mary, the mother of the Messiah. What role is more important for a man than to take care of his betrothed wife who was carrying the Savior of the world?
One of the greatest men who walked this earth is Joseph. A man who loved and nurtured the mother of our Savior. Imagine if he were self-focused and ambitious instead, or if his focus was to become the richest, the greatest, the most powerful, or the most famous. He would have missed an eternal privilege, opportunity, and reward. You and I don’t know what God has entrusted to us with the spouse we are privileged to be married to. You don’t know the lives God wants to touch through His calling, gifting, and assignment upon them. Maybe my role and your role are to care for them and provide the right environment and support so they can give birth to what God has deposited in them. No matter the fame, riches, greatness, and accomplishments we achieve in life, if we miss God’s primary purpose for our lives, those things will not matter.
Since my wife and I met, she has been so focused and dedicated to helping me accomplish all that God has told me about my life. I mean, she just devoted herself to it. After I earned my PhD, I became a professor and even started a business; anyone would have called me successful. However, I was not fulfilled until I saw my wife walking in God’s calling over her life. I remember talking to God on my way back from the university one day, asking Him to help me so that I could help the precious daughter He had entrusted to my care fulfill His calling for her life. You can only imagine the sense of joy, fulfilment, and satisfaction that I have that Marthami is operating at the center of God’s call upon her life now. It gives meaning to my life, work, and ministry. God said, I believe, decades ago, before we got married, that she would be impacting the world for Christ from her home. And she is doing just that, reaching thousands weekly with the Gospel.
When we were about to leave Florida, no one focused on my having a PhD, the number of inventions, or the number of journal papers I had written. Everyone talked about how they would come to our home every Sunday evening to get fed and refreshed. My wife had a greater impact on people’s lives than I did, despite my PhD and teaching classes. She was sold out to supporting me, and in the process, God was doing amazing things through her. God’s calling and assignment for you is fulfilled when you make it your mission to help your spouse become all that God wants them to be and to accomplish all God wants them to accomplish in life for His Kingdom and glory.
Recognize, value, and develop the gifts and callings of God in one another. We wanted to get a place for our business. I know my wife has a spirit of discernment, so I asked her to come with me to check out a location I was looking at for our company. There were two facilities that I was considering. The one I wanted her to check with me was about 60% cheaper than the second one. We got there, saw it, and because it was more affordable, we said we should go ahead with it. As we were driving back home, she said, “No, that is not the one.” So, we went for the second one, and after years, it is evident that it was the perfect space God prepared for the company. We actually realized later that if we had chosen the cheaper one, we would have had to forfeit the payments and break the lease because it couldn't handle all the equipment we needed to bring in. I didn’t pick that up, but my wife did. Imagine if I had made the decision alone, without involving her!
Your spouse has spiritual, intellectual, emotional, and physical abilities that you have not paid attention to, called out, encouraged, helped to develop, and utilized optimally. It’s your job to help your spouse become all God wants them to be. In doing so, you are actually fulfilling God’s plan and purpose for your life.
Never give up. Keep pressing forward. I mentioned earlier that, over the past 20 years, when I score myself and my wife, I score my wife higher. My goal is to represent Jesus as I continue to grow in my love for God. The good news is that my Savior, Jesus Christ, is the Chair of the exam board, and we have a special tutor, God the Holy Spirit, to help us learn from the past and become better tomorrow. So don’t give up. God gave me the understanding that His correcting and showing me where I miss it are actually signs that I am His beloved. Proverbs 3:11-12 and Hebrews 12:5-6 say:
“My son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord, Nor detest His correction; For whom the Lord loves, He corrects, Just as a father the son in whom he delights.” - Proverbs 3:11-12, NKJV
“And you have forgotten the exhortation which speaks to you as to sons: 'My son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord, Nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him; For whom the Lord loves He chastens, And scourges every son whom He receives.” - Hebrews 12:5-6, NKJV
God loves and delights in you and me; that is why He can discipline and correct us. If God has not given up on you and me, we should not give up on ourselves. Let’s be like Paul in Philippians 3:12-14 and keep pressing forward towards the great goal of having a home that is Christ-centered and pleasing to God.
“Not that I have already attained or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” - Philippians 3:12-14, NKJV
